Tragedy and Loss: I Have Overcome the World

…I have overcome the world.

That sounds good, right? The lame can walk, the blind can see, people saved from the brink of drowning? You could see how the author of Proverbs poetically described those longings fulfilled in these people “a tree of life.”

Who wouldn’t want that? Sure, of course we would. But how do we find ourselves in these stories? How do we find our own hearts buttressed, rescued? What does “take heart” mean for us?

Jesus gives us a five-word single answer, tacked onto the end of the sentence, five words that sets the earth back on its proper axis.

“I have overcome the world.” I have captured your foe. I have defeated the one who dared to bring you harm. Because I have loved you from all time, I have destroyed your Enemy and mine. Or, in the words of Paul, “When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross” (Colossians 2:13-15).

Jesus does something we never expected with the weight of trauma and suffering – our trauma and suffering. He broke the teeth of death, the sting of the grave. He is reversing by the invasion of the Kingdom the losses we’ve endured, healing the injuries, closing the wounds, soothing the agonizing cuts. Yes, bones still break in this world. Abuses still happen. We taste the bitterness of tears and the heartsickness of longing for rescue when long nights turn into years and still we seem to be left alone in the dark. Yes, death still seems to get the final word for us all. And yet, the inbreak of the Kingdom has happened. Jesus has made a mockery of the Enemy and given us Himself in the midst of the suffering, until all death is finally and forever “swallowed up in life” (2 Corinthians 5:4).

In doing this, He transforms our suffering. He lets it be a united endeavor with Him, a collaboration of bringing the Kingdom through our own choice to love in vulnerability by entering into the broken places of this world and overcoming it at His side. In the slow healing and transformation of his own agony of loss, Wolterstorff came to understand that “…we all suffer. For we all prize and love; and in this present existence of ours, prizing and loving yield suffering. Love in our world is suffering love. Some do not suffer much, though, for they do not love much. Suffering is for the loving. This, said Jesus, is the command of the Holy One: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” In commanding us to love, God invites us to suffer.”

I can imagine Jesus saying to us, “Let me garrison you, dear heart. I will be your Safeguard, your Protector. I will barricade you with my Presence. I will shelter you with my scarred hands. Day is coming. Dawn is already rising in the East. I have counted every tear. I have held every broken piece of your fragmented heart, and I Am here to return the lost years, restore the losses, recover Your heart, provide the fulfillment of every ache and yearning of soul. And now come, join me in loving this world back to life, bit by bit, until the day dawns and the Morning Star rises in your heart.”

References

Wolterstorff, N. (1987). Lament for a Son. Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing.

Tragedy and Loss: But Take Heart

…but take heart…

“But,” the same Proverb continues… But… But wait, the author reminds us. I know the tragedy and loss come fast and hit us hard. I know we have so many moments of rejection and pain, of abuse and trauma. I know we have been pummeled with loss and heartache, wave after wave, hit after hit.  But…

Before we read the rest of the Proverb, let’s first return back to Jesus.  He also has a “but…” in his message to us about trouble.

“But,” he says (and I can imagine a pregnant pause).

“But take heart…”

Okay, let’s be honest here. Jesus just described the ails of the world and the profound tragedy of life in a single word, “trouble” – itself maybe a bit of an underwhelming word to describe the world we find ourselves in. And here he promises through a linguistic turn-of-focus some sort of remedy for this problem, a prescription for the condition of the human soul.  Yes, Jesus, yes!  We’re ready for your answer for all of this tragedy! What is it, Jesus, what?

And his answer is simply, “take heart.”

Take heart.

Take heart?

How does that strike you? Be honest. How does your heart respond to those two words, “take heart”? Does it rise as in a coming rescue, rejoicing that finally there is a tangible answer and hope to the despair we see around us and within us, like the wave of relief we find when the hero comes riding in just in the nick of time in our favorite stories?  Or does it offer a half-smile, a polite, “Gee, thanks Jesus,” with a simple shrug in response?

If you’re me, the offer to “take heart” from Jesus sounds more like a euphemism for “don’t worry about it,” than it does a promise of restoration for brokenness and a healing for wounds, a kind of pedantic dismissal of the fatal cut that plagues everyone I know. I want to ask, “Jesus, uh… do you actually see what’s going on around us here?”

I think He does. I think His offer to “take heart” is much, much more than we typically imagine.

The exhortation in Greek can be understand as being bolstered, warmed up, emboldened by an inward strength. Jesus uses this word several times in the gospels, often just before He brings healing and restoration to someone’s injury or sickness. He says this to the crippled man who was brought before Jesus by some friends, just before he tells the man “Get up..” (Matthew 9:1-7). He uses the same word to the woman who had been bleeding for twelve years, again, just before he heals her (v. 18-22). He uses the word when speaking to the disciples from the midst of the storm on the Sea of Galilee just before inviting Peter to walk with Him on the water (and soon thereafter saving Peter from drowning and calming the storm entirely) (Matthew 14:27-31). Another time, Jesus uses the same word just before healing the blind man Bartimaeus. Are you getting the picture, the theme? Repeatedly, Jesus invites His friends to “take heart,” to be soul-buttressed, because He’s about to give us back what was lost. The social outcasts, the left behind, the forgotten, the hurting, the isolated. Understand, the people Jesus healed of broken bodies and blind eyes didn’t just limp away or have to go get prescription glasses. They were restored. What had been lost was returned to them. They were returned to their families and their friends. All things, you might say, were made new for them. They got it all back.

“A longing fulfilled,” finishes the Proverb, “is a tree of life.”

“I have overcome the world…”

That sounds good, right? The lame can walk, the blind can see, people saved from the brink of drowning? You could see how the author of Proverbs poetically described those longings fulfilled in these people “a tree of life.”

Who wouldn’t want that? Sure, of course we would. But how do we find ourselves in these stories? How do we find our own hearts buttressed, rescued? What does “take heart” mean for us?

Jesus gives us a five-word single answer, tacked onto the end of the sentence, five words that sets the earth back on its proper axis.

“I have overcome the world.” I have captured your foe. I have defeated the one who dared to bring you harm. Because I have loved you from all time, I have destroyed your Enemy and mine. Or, in the words of Paul, “When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross” (Colossians 2:13-15).

Jesus does something we never expected with the weight of trauma and suffering – our trauma and suffering. He broke the teeth of death, the sting of the grave. He is reversing by the invasion of the Kingdom the losses we’ve endured, healing the injuries, closing the wounds, soothing the agonizing cuts. Yes, bones still break in this world. Abuses still happen. We taste the bitterness of tears and the heartsickness of longing for rescue when long nights turn into years and still we seem to be left alone in the dark. Yes, death still seems to get the final word for us all. And yet, the inbreak of the Kingdom has happened. Jesus has made a mockery of the Enemy and given us Himself in the midst of the suffering, until all death is finally and forever “swallowed up in life” (2 Corinthians 5:4).

In doing this, He transforms our suffering. He lets it be a united endeavor with Him, a collaboration of bringing the Kingdom through our own choice to love in vulnerability by entering into the broken places of this world and overcoming it at His side. In the slow healing and transformation of his own agony of loss, Wolterstorff came to understand that “…we all suffer. For we all prize and love; and in this present existence of ours, prizing and loving yield suffering. Love in our world is suffering love. Some do not suffer much, though, for they do not love much. Suffering is for the loving. This, said Jesus, is the command of the Holy One: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” In commanding us to love, God invites us to suffer.”

I can imagine Jesus saying to us, “Let me garrison you, dear heart. I will be your Safeguard, your Protector. I will barricade you with my Presence. I will shelter you with my scarred hands. Day is coming. Dawn is already rising in the East. I have counted every tear. I have held every broken piece of your fragmented heart, and I Am here to return the lost years, restore the losses, recover Your heart, provide the fulfillment of every ache and yearning of soul. And now come, join me in loving this world back to life, bit by bit, until the day dawns and the Morning Star rises in your heart.”

References

Wolterstorff, N. (1987). Lament for a Son. Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing.

Tragedy and Loss: In this World You Will have Trouble

In this world, you will have trouble…
-Jesus of Nazareth

“In this world you will have trouble…” (John 16:33). That might be the most understated sentence in the English language. We can only imagine that as Jesus said that, He felt the trouble personally, taking on the hurt of a broken and lost world, taking it on enough to crush Him. Trouble puts it mildly.

As of this writing, there have been a confirmed 150 lives lost due to Hurricane Helene. It’s easy to read through a sentence like that and catch the sterilized fact that lives were lost, but miss the tragedy contained within that number. One loss is life-shattering. It lurches the world off its axis for many people, forever shattering their lives. After he lost his 28 year-old son in a climbing accident, Nicholas Wolterstorff wrote, “There’s a hole in the world now . . . A center, like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone. Only a gap remains. A perspective in this world unique in this world which once moved about in this world has been rubbed out . . . There’s nobody who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembered, loves what he loved . . . Questions I have can never now get answers. The world is emptier” (Lament for a Son).

Multiply that by 150.

As if that were not tragic enough, countless more lives have been upended, with loss to property, livelihoods, and ways of life that are multiplied by the tens of thousands.

And this from a single natural disaster.

We know loss, don’t we? We can hardly turn on the news these days without hearing an anchor regaling us with the list of natural or sociopolitical ills befalling our world. Wars and rumors of wars, accidents, deaths. We turn off the TV or exit the web page only to hear the haunting echoes of the loss occurring, if not “over there” in some other part of the country or the world, then even “right here” at home, in our city, our neighborhood, even of own house or in the mirror staring back at us.

And it’s not only the shock of death that we count as loss, the major strike against our souls; it is also the thousand stabs of smaller shocks to the system, the disappointments and disillusionments that haunt us daily, the hopes that we have for life to come through for us in a myriad of ways when instead we find frustration or pain. It happens in our search for meaning and purpose, when we find in those times the disappointment of futility and the voice of failure and meaninglessness. It happens in our search for the connection and security we need through relationships, when in those times we find instead moments of profound isolation and rejection, especially when we are most vulnerable to the lies that we are worthless and unloved.

For most of us, we can hardly get to young adulthood without facing multiple losses, multiple cuts that cause our hearts to bleed. For some of us, childhood itself is a precarious journey riddled with sharp, pointy daggers. Tragedy and trouble abound. Our hearts do not only grieve in the face of loss, for loss is but one form of change that we are not ready to make. Rather, our hearts grieve in the face of change, of expectations jolted, of longings unmet. “Hope deferred,” as the Proverb reminds us of longing that goes unseen and unfulfilled “makes the heart sick…” (Proverbs 13:12, NIV).

Where does that leave us? There’s more to the story…

References

Wolterstorff, N. (1987). Lament for a Son. Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing.

Dr. Brian Fidler teamed up with True Charity to offer a perspective on Mental Health and Poverty at True Charity’s 2022 Summit. The summit talk is offered below.

True Charity’s website: www.truecharity.us

“I’m Fine” (and other lies we tell ourselves)

Recently my wife and I met a man. His wife had told him that she was going to leave him, but he assured us, “I’m fine with it”.

“She’s moving back to her hometown, and I think it’s because her ex lives there, but I’m fine with it…We just bought a house and we have a kid together, but I’m fine with it.”

When we walked away my wife said, “I’m not fine with it and I just met him, why does he have to tell himself that he’s fine with it?”.

The Secret of Denial: It can be very helpful

I’m a therapist so people often expect me to take a hard stance against denial. But the truth is that denial often serves a useful purpose.

I live in a town that experienced the most destructive tornado in US history. Immediately after the tornado I had a lot of contact with people who had lost possessions, homes, even loved ones. I volunteered with a local church that was offering food and supplies to those affected. We had thousands of people come through in the first month. We offered free professional counseling to everyone receiving material help. Less than 10 people accepted free counseling. Dozens upon dozens of people said things like:

• “I saw the store come down around me, but I was in back, so I didn’t directly witness people dying” or
• “I’m fine, I only lost a house, I have a neighbor who lost her husband”
• “I’ll be OK, I’m just here to make sure my family has food”

That ability to put our hurt in perspective can be very helpful. It can enable people undergoing trauma to put one foot in front of the other and make steps forward in a difficult situation. Telling ourselves, “this isn’t as bad as it feels” helps us to get through tough times. Unfortunately denial isn’t always so useful.

The Danger of Denial: It can hurt us

Denial does have a dark side of course, eventually it always goes beyond “putting our hurt in perspective” and attempts to avoid hard truths that must be faced. Denial can drive us to:

• Remain in a position that is dangerous or harmful to ourselves or the people we love.
• Continue engaging in behavior that hurts us or our loved ones.
• Refuse to acknowledge that we’re experiencing consequences of our actions, instead blaming someone else.
• Avoid the very changes that could bring positive transformation to our lives.

A story of my own denial:

In college I dated someone who gave me a lot of reason to doubt our relationship. When we were getting to know each other and I discovered that she had a bad reputation I told myself, “everyone’s got a history, I shouldn’t hold that against her”. We began dating quickly. When she regularly spoke of her attraction to several guys on campus I told myself, “She’s just an honest person and that’s a good thing”. When she arranged a date with another guy and asked “don’t you trust me (to be faithful to you)?” I told myself, “This is an opportunity to build trust in our relationship”. When she abruptly broke up with me, then wanted to restore our relationship status within a week, I told myself, “I’ll need to take more time, but I’m sure we could work this out”.

The shattering of my denial:

It was the last night of Christmas break, I was back in my hometown and my best friend and I were sitting in a hot tub around 1 AM on the tail end of a long discussion about all the world’s problems when he asked, “What’s up between you and [insert ex-girlfriend’s name here]”. I responded, “well, when I get back to school I think we’re going to get back together”. He followed up by asking, “why?” (with a tone of genuine curiosity and without a trace of judgment). I started to answer but my answer wasn’t as convincing as I wanted it to be, so I gave it a second try, but that answer also failed to persuade me that rekindling this relationship was good idea. An hour and a half later, I was driving home still pondering “why”. My seven hour drive to school the following day allowed me more time to think about it. By the time I arrived, I couldn’t look past the red flags anymore. I decided not to resume that relationship. That choice was the first of many on a path that led me in a healthier direction.

Suggestions for overcoming denial

So how can we recognize and overcome denial? That’s a big question, but allow me to give some suggestions:

1. Cultivate healthy relationships – Surround yourself with people who love and support you but are able to be honest when you’re off target. Don’t dismiss their input just because you don’t like it, ask yourself if what they’re saying is true.
2. Give yourself time to think – In a culture that encourages you to fill any empty moment with a podcast or the  latest Netflix original, take time to unplug. Busyness often contributes to denial. Insight rarely comes to those constantly immersed in activity.
3. Engage in intentional reflection – Once you isolate an issue of concern, allow yourself some time to explore the problem. There are many ways to do this. Prayer, journaling, intentional discussions with a trusted friend, mentor, pastor, or counselor.
4. Don’t expect to have all the answers – Denial arises out of our fear that we won’t be able to handle the unvarnished truth. Overcoming it typically requires us to admit that we have a problem without an easy solution.

Stepping out of denial doesn’t magically equip you with the right answers, but it does allow you to begin asking the right questions. It doesn’t immediately bring resolution, but stepping out of denial moves us forward, enabling transformation that wouldn’t otherwise be possible. It’s a difficult step, but living honestly is worth the effort.

How to Find the Right Therapist

Finding the right therapist is really important.  It’s a matter of both finding a competent and skilled counselor, but also finding one that’s the right fit for you.

In this podcast, Dan Allender gives some great pointers and wise counsel on how to find the right therapist for where you are in your journey and what your goals are for beginning the counseling process.

I need somebody who knows how to bear my cynicism and despair without either joining it or being surprised by it. […] And I need for them to be able to live in the tension, the ambivalence, the complexity between my dependence and my detachment.  –-Dan Allender

Listen to Dan Allender’s podcast on How to Find the Right Therapist