“I’m Fine” (and other lies we tell ourselves)
Recently my wife and I met a man. His wife had told him that she was going to leave him, but he assured us, “I’m fine with it”.
“She’s moving back to her hometown, and I think it’s because her ex lives there, but I’m fine with it…We just bought a house and we have a kid together, but I’m fine with it.”
When we walked away my wife said, “I’m not fine with it and I just met him, why does he have to tell himself that he’s fine with it?”.
The Secret of Denial: It can be very helpful
I’m a therapist so people often expect me to take a hard stance against denial. But the truth is that denial often serves a useful purpose.
I live in a town that experienced the most destructive tornado in US history. Immediately after the tornado I had a lot of contact with people who had lost possessions, homes, even loved ones. I volunteered with a local church that was offering food and supplies to those affected. We had thousands of people come through in the first month. We offered free professional counseling to everyone receiving material help. Less than 10 people accepted free counseling. Dozens upon dozens of people said things like:
- “I saw the store come down around me, but I was in back, so I didn’t directly witness people dying” or
- “I’m fine, I only lost a house, I have a neighbor who lost her husband”
- “I’ll be OK, I’m just here to make sure my family has food”
That ability to put our hurt in perspective can be very helpful. It can enable people undergoing trauma to put one foot in front of the other and make steps forward in a difficult situation. Telling ourselves, “this isn’t as bad as it feels” helps us to get through tough times. Unfortunately denial isn’t always so useful.
The Danger of Denial: It can hurt us
Denial does have a dark side of course, eventually it always goes beyond “putting our hurt in perspective” and attempts to avoid hard truths that must be faced. Denial can drive us to:
- Remain in a position that is dangerous or harmful to ourselves or the people we love.
- Continue engaging in behavior that hurts us or our loved ones.
- Refuse to acknowledge that we’re experiencing consequences of our actions, instead blaming someone else.
- Avoid the very changes that could bring positive transformation to our lives.
A story of my own denial:
In college I dated someone who gave me a lot of reason to doubt our relationship. When we were getting to know each other and I discovered that she had a bad reputation I told myself, “everyone’s got a history, I shouldn’t hold that against her”. We began dating quickly. When she regularly spoke of her attraction to several guys on campus I told myself, “She’s just an honest person and that’s a good thing”. When she arranged a date with another guy and asked “don’t you trust me (to be faithful to you)?” I told myself, “This is an opportunity to build trust in our relationship”. When she abruptly broke up with me, then wanted to restore our relationship status within a week, I told myself, “I’ll need to take more time, but I’m sure we could work this out”.
The shattering of my denial:
It was the last night of Christmas break, I was back in my hometown and my best friend and I were sitting in a hot tub around 1 AM on the tail end of a long discussion about all the world’s problems when he asked, “What’s up between you and [insert ex-girlfriend’s name here]”. I responded, “well, when I get back to school I think we’re going to get back together”. He followed up by asking, “why?” (with a tone of genuine curiosity and without a trace of judgment). I started to answer but my answer wasn’t as convincing as I wanted it to be, so I gave it a second try, but that answer also failed to persuade me that rekindling this relationship was good idea. An hour and a half later, I was driving home still pondering “why”. My seven hour drive to school the following day allowed me more time to think about it. By the time I arrived, I couldn’t look past the red flags anymore. I decided not to resume that relationship. That choice was the first of many on a path that led me in a healthier direction.
Suggestions for overcoming denial
So how can we recognize and overcome denial? That’s a big question, but allow me to give some suggestions:
- Cultivate healthy relationships – Surround yourself with people who love and support you but are able to be honest when you’re off target. Don’t dismiss their input just because you don’t like it, ask yourself if what they’re saying is true.
- Give yourself time to think – In a culture that encourages you to fill any empty moment with a podcast or the latest Netflix original, take time to unplug. Busyness often contributes to denial. Insight rarely comes to those constantly immersed in activity.
- Engage in intentional reflection – Once you isolate an issue of concern, allow yourself some time to explore the problem. There are many ways to do this. Prayer, journaling, intentional discussions with a trusted friend, mentor, pastor, or counselor.
- Don’t expect to have all the answers – Denial arises out of our fear that we won’t be able to handle the unvarnished truth. Overcoming it typically requires us to admit that we have a problem without an easy solution.
Stepping out of denial doesn’t magically equip you with the right answers, but it does allow you to begin asking the right questions. It doesn’t immediately bring resolution, but stepping out of denial moves us forward, enabling transformation that wouldn’t otherwise be possible. It’s a difficult step, but living honestly is worth the effort.
